Lots of things feel surreal , out of place, not possible nowadays. We all feel that. We all speak about it. Tell each other that it is unthinkable what the world is going through.
But every now and then, I am struck by how real, in place and in contact I feel! As if the previous autumns never happened. Seasons changed from one season into … the next year, without me noticing or acknowledging it! But this year, i feel it, I see it and experience it.
I remember a time where I eagerly awaited winter turning to spring! It was a thing for me NOT to wear anything but my summer-school uniform! And on the morning of springday, I would enthusiastically announced spring! Ussually with a bunch of what ever presented some springish feeling. If we were amidst a cold spell, I stubbornly ignored it as if I could force winter away!
This year, I am accutely aware of the change of season. It is autumn. The big tree in my garden shed its leaves by the loads full! I know, because this year, I rake them myself. With no gardener to help, and lots of time on hands, I cannot but experience autumn in its full reality. Everything slows down. Makes itself ready to rest. And when I am forced by my sore back to sit a while, I have time to look at the colours, the leaves, feel the sun and wind and to think!
On my early morning wanderings through other blogs, I stumbled on to several sites with spring stories and poems and photos. In another hemisphere where people await spring, take photos of tiny budding leaves and have amazing insights about new growth, second chances and life!
How many times have I started with a new gardening project? Read – “decided to take up gardening” not “venture into a new section of my garden!”
It’s Lockdown day 21- and another 14 days were recently added! I have enough inside- admin-desk-work, clean-up work, clean work, tidying-cupboards-work! But I want to GARDEN! In mid autumn. With my big Oak tree shedding it’s leaves by the bags-full! I will garden!
It might be last night’s unexpected downpour that left the ground soft and manageable, that took me to the garden. When I dig-in with the garden fork , it almost slides in with a crunch. And the weeds crunch out as easy with the smell of dark ground hanging like a soft mist around me.
Or it might be might be my need to create, to conquer, to tame, to get rid of the ugly and to live simpler. Live from the earth, with respect to the earth!
My back hurts! I can feel how my hands are getting damaged! And my head screams to me that I am silly! On this 4000 square meter plot, it is not job for an overweight, middeler-aged than previously, woman to take up gardening in autumn. But if not now, when for once I have time…… then when?????
I will garden! I am Willsie Alleman (all men) and I want to garden! I want to co-create with nature – like I am sure all men wants to do to some degree.
I would like to serve an Easter tea at you old age home mum!! After the morning service, just for the 20 or so people attending!
And so, yet another impulsive initiative starts and ends not so well. Partly because I did not have time to plan and execute the plan; partly because mom tried to plan and execute my the tea for me; and partly because another person, Judy, jumped on mom’s eager bandwagon and joined in with her tea …… that is actually my tea…. that is actually the old age home’s Easter tea! What ever…. I ended up being upset with mom. No, I ended up being angry with mom because I lost control of the tea. And I was yet again confronted with my inability to handle the reality of getting old. This time though, it ended with me that were so angry with myself for my insensitivity and control issues with mom and the way that I hurt her and that she is getting older and that it was an unnecessary fight…..
I can stop here and make it sound like I batteled with old age, with my parents growing fragility. But that would not be the truth. The truth is, I was angry, bacause when the Minister thanked my mother and her daughter for the tea, my mother eagerly shouted the name of the lady that jumped onto her bandwagon…. That was actually my bandwagon…. That was, I once again remember, the Easter tea of the Old age home! ” … And Judy…. And Judy…. ” my mother shouted across the room to be heard above the noise of the eager old ladies, grabbing at the eats on the table, scared that they might not get a treat.My wonderfull, selfless mother…. Knowing that it is important for Judy to get the due recognition. And the minister politely said… ” and Judy, but we want to thank your daughter as well. And mom…. Anxious and with her deteriorating hearing not sure if Judy got the due recognition, raised her voice again… ” did you hear…. judy gave the hot cross buns… And the minister said : Thank Judy for the hotcross buns! Looking back…. I can see the scene in slow motion…. Judy beaming with pride for the recognition she got… And the minister acknowledging someone across the room that just came in and before joining the person, bending down to help the one old lady in her wheelchair. And there was I, like a child waiting to be properly regocnized… Not receiving the due regognition for the effort in my insanely busy schedule to be able to squeeze in a tea for the old age home!
I went away after the tea and instead of feeling that I have done a worthy thing for a bunch of elderly that could not go else where, I felt like a failure for my own needy, childish and emotional reaction. Because I grilled mom for her insensitiveness towards poor me! For not realizing what it took out of me, etc. half of it not even truae as mom actually took over the detail arrangements and all I had to do was to pay the eats and pack a few pretty cups and saucers into a basket to make the table look special!!! Horrible, selfish, little tantrum!
And I made a vow….To grow up, to be less selfish, To be moms soft place! To help her organize what ever she wants to organize and to be her servant! To be less of my self and more of God in me!